Spy Journal 3.0 Filtering the web for you

Last week I mentioned that I did not leave the world of PCs and Windows because I needed an easier interface. I’m a fairly serious computer user. I slogged my way through programs back in the early 90s, before Windows, when every program had a completely unique set of commands. F7 saved in Word Perfect. Why? Because that’s the way they designed it. Other programs had their own quirky commands. For me, Windows has always seemed incredibly easy and convenient, if only because of the universal command structure.

I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. Having lived through the Great Depression, my grandfather always thought an orange was a spanking good Christmas present.

You know what ultimately drove me away from Windows? I could never keep the blasted operating system clean. I would buy a new computer and delight at how Windows would jump onto the screen, wagging its tail like a puppy dog ready for a walk. “Where do you want to go today?” Six months later, booting was taking a little longer. After a year, I would pop into the kitchen for a snack while I waited for Windows to start. After 18 months I had a pattern pressed into my forehead from looking up to see if Windows had finally started and then lowering my face back down onto the keyboard.

A computer professional I know said, “You have to reinstall Windows every year or so if you want it to run well. I format the hard disk and start fresh. It takes me a day to reinstall software, update drivers, and all of that. But that’s just what you have to do.”

Yeah, well, I don’t have to do that anymore.

Honestly though, I could have lived with the inevitable slowdown and reinstalls if malware hadn’t gotten so terrible. Getting rid of spyware and adware is like getting rid of roaches. You think they’re gone, and then you turn on the kitchen light and see a couple of them dart under the refrigerator. Once I ran Spybot Search and Destroy and found 115 malicious programs running on MY COMPUTER. Cursing, I waited for the program to clean them all out. As soon as it was done, on a whim, I ran it again. 9 were still there. A week later that number had quadrupled.

I started plotting my escape from the PC world in 2007. That fall I saw a demonstration of Apple’s new operating system, Leopard. How beautiful. How clean and simple. But still, the money, right? I’ve never had much money for computers. Partly because I spent it all on virus protection, software upgrades, and RAM, which I would cram into my case, hoping to salvage my latest Windows installation.

And then, like a Christmas miracle, a bunch of bloggers bought copies of my remaindered book. The publisher gave up on it, and it was turned down by all the discount book houses, apparently even those that grind up books for pulp. I bought the remaining copies for 25 cents each and wrote a sorrowful post on my blog. There was a flurry of purchases, and suddenly I was sitting on $2500.

So I did it. I bought a MacBook Pro online. I couldn’t wait for it to arrive. I wondered if the legends could be true. Will it really work perfectly, right out of the box? Is it true that no spyware can infect it? Will it really boot as well the thousandth time as it did the first? Because that’s all I wanted. All I wanted was to be left alone. I wanted to turn on my computer and have it actually, you know, come on so I could use it.

I cautiously opened my gleaming, smooth MacBook and hit the power button. A glimmering field of stars shone in my eyes, and a voice like an angel said, “Hi there. I’m your new Mac. Do you mind if I take a quick picture for your profile? Say ‘cheese!’” *

I turned to my wife who was looking over my shoulder at this wonder, as if someone had given birth to Mozart right on our kitchen counter.

I grinned and said, “I think I’m going to like this computer!”

Next week: I discover the truth about the Mac. The rumors are true and they aren’t true. And the transition pain is in direct proportion to how good you were with your PC.

*A paraphrase, but I got the attitude right.